And sometimes the biggest obstacle standing between you and your goals is not a lack of ability. It can be your own thoughts, habits, and behaviours.
You may have a clear goal, but you keep postponing the work needed to reach it. You may doubt yourself when things start going well. You might think you do better than other people, or you’re so obsessed with getting everything done perfectly that you never actually start.
Such patterns are signs of self-sabotage. Career, relationships, confidence, and personal goals are affected.
Self-help books can’t change these patterns overnight, but the right book can help you figure out why they occur and how they do and why they occur. Some also have exercises and techniques to help you make healthier habits.
There are five books that would help you see if you’re in your own way.
1. How To Stop Feeling Like Sh*t by Andrea Owen
Andrea Owen's How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t: 14 Habits That Are Holding You Back From Happiness looks at the self-destructive patterns that are so debilitating to our daily lives.
The book describes habits such as having a harsh inner critic, comparing yourself to other people, being people-pleasing, being perfectionistic, catastrophising and self-sabotage. Owen doesn’t look at these behaviours in isolation; she looks for patterns and challenges them to change.
It’s particularly useful if you are your worst critic. It tells us to be able to spot unhealthy patterns that we are in too and substitute them for better responses.
It is also a reminder that recognition of behaviour is only the first step. It takes a long time and work.
2. You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero
Jen Sincero’s You Are a Badass is very much about confidence and holding beliefs and mental barriers that prevent people from doing what they want.
The book encourages readers to consider beliefs that have developed over time and affect their decisions without them even knowing it. It combines personal stories, motivational advice and exercises to help readers change their mindset.
One of the core concepts of that book is to identify what beliefs and behaviors keep you from getting towards your dreams. So it’s relevant to anyone who knows what they want but can’t seem to work it out and keep coming back for something else.
The approach is motivational rather than academic, so it works best for readers who prefer direct and energetic self-help writing.
3. Atomic Habits by James Clear
James Clear’s Atomic Habits is about improving a person’s individual performance through small, incremental changes.
Instead of radical change, the book argues that regular small steps can lead to great change; it’s a good book that’s useful for someone who’s very slow to move forward or who is always at the beginning and not finished with new routines.
The book is about good habits and breaking bad habits so that the habits you want to make are easy to follow. It also tells us to look at systems and daily behaviour that you don’t just do because you’re motivated.
As someone who has always said “I’ll start tomorrow,” the book is the first way to realize why, and how little improvement can be made.
4. The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest
Brianna Wiest’s The Mountain Is You is about self-sabotage and internal conflict that can prevent people from doing what they say they want.
The idea is that some behaviours that appear destructive may have developed as a means of protecting ourselves from discomfort, uncertainty or fear. Recognising these patterns can help readers understand why they sometimes repeat behaviours that work against their own goals.
The book calls for readers to think about emotional patterns at work in the book, and to restrict beliefs and behaviour that keep them stuck.
It is useful for people who are repeating the same mistakes even when they know that they want something different. To be more than a simple “try harder” response: instead it prompts readers to look at what drives the behaviour from below.
5. Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins
David Goggins’ Can’t Hurt Me is a very different approach to personal development. A memoir and motivational guide to Goggins’ life, it tells his life from a rough childhood to the US military and extreme endurance sports.
The core of the book is discipline, resilience, and getting over what you might think is a limit. Goggins says people can underestimate what they can do because fear, discomfort, or negative thinking lead to their actions.
The book may provide some motivation for readers who are prone to self-sabotage: to make excuses, to avoid difficult tasks, or when something is difficult, they don’t want to do it anymore.
But its approach is intense. And it is based on discipline and mental toughness rather than gentle self-reflection, so it’s not something that everybody can get with.
Breaking The Self-Sabotage Cycle
Self-sabotage does not always look so dramatic. Sometimes it is simply the case of endlessly postponing a big thing, refusing to take a chance because you don’t want to fail, comparing yourself with someone else, or waiting for the ‘perfect’ moment to begin.
Books can help to give these patterns a name and provide a different look at them. Reading alone, however, is not likely to change anything.
The more helpful thing is to take one idea from a book and apply it to life. That might be eliminating one of those bad habits, asking why a particular negative thought keeps coming to your mind, or simply taking a small step towards a goal, and not waiting for you to feel ready to do it when you’re ready.
The key thing is not to become a different person overnight. It is to see those patterns that keep you back and slowly make choices that move you forward.
