A narcissistic mother-in-law, for their part, almost never resorts to use of force, always in the form of heavy control over her kids and small amounts of psychological warfare that chip away at her children's confidence and sense of independence. At first they can be difficult to see, but once you learn the truth, the next effects are serious for families.
A hallmark of these tactics is guilt-tripping. She will present herself this way as a victim and her life stresses out about what she has given up for or endured or seen for herself. People get made to feel responsible for something she has given up. This is a weight which weighs on her heart. Relatives claim that they’ve got to do what is requested and follow through on things they’re told because they don’t want to hurt her feelings, bother or inconvenience her.
Triangulation is only one of the typical gambits. It won’t help but invite misunderstandings if family members turn against one another as family members turn on each other while protecting the image of innocence in the process. It becomes a tense, distrustful family atmosphere. Gaslighting is one very effective tool in her arsenal of techniques for this purpose. She denies everything she said or did at the expense of truth and distortion, distorts facts, ignores and ignores what others think they know--causing further confusion, and higher levels in self-doubt.
The victims suspect their memory, their judgment, their sanity; it makes them hungry for her approval, or confirmation. Conditional love, too, you notice, bolsters forcefulness of control in this too. She offers no approval or warmth, apart from that which is done in ways according to what the member of the family, or the authority figure who is acting in that way does on their will or belief or will in such a fashion.
This sets her up to do things and not be independent, which in turn motivates her to exert authority over her relationships and decisions. She might continue inserting herself into personal decisions especially about parenting, finances or marriage often scolding or undermining the couple’s autonomy. How else to keep her power in the middle and others on guard is by forcing obedience over respecting boundaries, which is a tactic that self censors consistently.
Long-term, this kind of quiet pressure drags family members into a cycle of survival in which peace and avoidance outweigh self-expression or independence. And there is a cycle going on and on until you wake up to such, and see the strong boundaries and in some instances professional support.
Understanding these tips is the first step to learning to reclaim agency. By identifying manipulation, establishing strong boundaries and consulting professionals, family members can psychologically protect themselves, further solidify their ties, and break that cycle of control.
Advice:
And pay attention if you see those gentle assaults: Your feelings, your boundaries and your independence have their place. In reality, awareness really is the first step to control. Establish some boundaries, communicate thoroughly, ask your partner, trusted family and/or a professional as appropriate.
We can’t have peace and self-preservation be optional. If you learn how to conserve them, it’s one way or another that you gift yourself with power. You keep yourself in control. “Boundaries are not walls they are shields. Protect your peace, reclaim your life.”
