There is an important role seldom discussed and seldom acknowledged: to be the one to finalize things when someone you love dies. So for many women, that is a thing to do and an emotional heavy-lifting job.
When a spouse dies, the surviving partner may suddenly be faced with dozens of decisions regarding funerals, cremation, burial, memorial services, cemetery arrangements, documents and finances. At the same time she may be dealing with intense grief, anxiety, anger, fear and emotional exhaustion.
Those kinds of decisions are so difficult to make, and for sure it is a lot harder to make such decisions. Yet many families have very little time to talk about what they would like to do at the end of life. So the surviving spouse or family member might have to make those last few major decisions quickly, often without knowing what questions to ask or what options are available.
The good news is that planning ahead doesn't have to be complicated or expensive. In fact, simply learning about the process and having an honest conversation with your loved ones can make a difficult situation more manageable.
Beginning with the important questions
Couples and families don’t have to act immediately. But discussing the basics of the issue may provide some guidance later. Talk about the following:
- Where are documents like wills, trusts, insurance policies, bank information, property records and military documents located?
- Would you like to be buried, cremated or entombed?
- What kind of funeral or memorial service would you want? What budget or spending limit should be in place?
- Where would you want to be buried or have your ashes placed or scattered, if that is legal?
- How would the arrangements be paid for?
- Is there a funeral home, cemetery, or service provider you recommend?
- Would you like to make any arrangements or purchases in advance?
Those questions are just a starting point. It is not really to have a plan that you can never change, but to make sure that you know who you are and the people you love know that you have a wish when they need that.
Knowledge Can Reduce Stress
And getting to know what families are going to do before they die can make decisions more calmly and thoughtfully. There are websites with funeral homes, cemeteries, government agencies, consumer groups and good information available online.
You can discuss cremation, burial, cemetery arrangements, memorial services, funeral costs and preplanning without waiting until a crisis occurs. You can compare services with care and make educated choices, and you won’t make quick decisions for emotional reasons.
It is also important to keep documents in order and to tell family members where they are located. A simple written list of critical contacts, accounts, insurance policies and personal wishes can be very helpful.
A Difficult Responsibility Can Be Managed
No one wants to think about losing someone they love. However, avoiding the subject completely can leave families facing unnecessary confusion and stress later.
The discussion of final arrangements is not about death. It is about caring for those people who will probably one day be forced to face difficult decisions on your behalf.
The job of arranging a funeral or memorial service is one nobody wants to do. But planning early can save the day when it’s time to do so. A few good discussions today might save your loved ones from having to make decisions alone on a day that they know is the hardest of their life.
