Many cultures Turkey included place great importance in family honor and trust. It is emotionally harrowing when a daughter makes decisions that defy her family’s expectations. But a recent heart-rending incident underscored that struggle. A father who would not reclaim his daughter who had run away, married without his permission, and later returned home. After all his relatives begged, the father broke down, hitting himself in despair and shouting: “Why did you do this, my daughter? What was lacking in you?” And we have the conflict of tradition versus personal freedom and the weight of sorrow families can wear at this moment.
The daughter had moved out of the house to marry somebody she desired - a choice against her family's wishes. In many traditional families, marriage is a personal and family affair, with a strong link to honor and reputation. When she returned after some time, expecting to be accepted in her father’s home, he still refused. Relatives attempted to step in and tried to encourage him to forgive and invite her home. But the father simply could not handle the emotion. He broke down, hitting himself and verbalized his pain with words of love and disappointment, his tears pouring out.
For the father, the problem was not just disobedience; it was trust violated. To him, the daughter had betrayed the expectations of the family. His cry “What was lacking in you?” betrays his bewilderment and frustration. He thought he had brought her up, cared for her and gave her everything she needed. But she chose a road he thought dishonored the family. His refusal to take her back was not just an act of anger but a reflection of the deep wound he carried.
On the daughter’s side, the motivation for her to run away and marry may have stemmed from love and independence or a need to assert influence over her own destiny. Today’s youth want the freedom to pick partners without being constrained. But that freedom to choose can sometimes clash with the expectations of family, however, in traditional environments. Her return indicates regret, reconciliation or trouble in her marriage. The experience of rejection from her father would have been painful--she would have torn herself both between her own choices and the disapproval of her whole family.
Relatives often play mediating roles in these conflicts. In one instance, they begged the father to forgive his daughter and allow her to be welcomed back into the family. In their efforts to help the community resolve these disputes, they demonstrate the role of community, as well. But even when they intervened, the father’s emotions were so strong. His breakdown made clear that forgiveness was not easy, especially when such a thing took honor or trust.
In Turkey, as in many societies, family honor is connected to the behavior of daughters. Marriage decisions often become a microcosm of family values. When daughters marry without their permission, that is to challenge tradition and authority. Such a cultural context is why the father’s reaction was so extreme. For him, his pain was personal but social too he was afraid of his community judgment.
The need for dialogues between generations can be observed in such situations. Families have to find a way to reconcile tradition with shifting social realities. Communication, understanding, and respect would lead fathers and daughters to have their ways of getting along. There’s a way communities can help, too, by encouraging reconciliation but not division. Forgiveness, though it is hard to do, can heal old wounds and bring people back together again.
It is one that provides strong insight, however briefly, about the mental struggles of families which arise as tradition clashes with personal freedom in Turkey. The father’s cry “Why did you do this, my daughter? What was lacking in you?” which speaks so eloquently to the magnitude of the pain and let down. The daughter is also burdened by rejection from her family. This was just one family’s tragedy but a bigger struggle for many societies: how to respect the traditions while respecting the choices that individuals make. True healing will come from compassion, conversation and a willingness to look past honor to our ties as loving people we form families.
